Despondent

I woke up about 15 minutes ago. I woke up to thoughts of Lisa. Every morning I wake up to thoughts of Lisa. I've been doing my best to respect her wishes. Yeah I texted her a few times, and I've called her to no avail. I left messages with the sense that she wasn't going to call me back. I try not to go to her facebook page or her blog. After doing something for two plus years though it's hard not to do those things. The internet makes this stuff harder I think.

Some people think that the internet isn't real life. I tend to think the opposite. I have made great friends on here and now I'm hanging out with them. All that not possible with out the internet. Social interactions happen through the internet now. That's just the way it is. Events are planed, full conversations are had that are brought up in conversation later face to face. Thoughts are published that are truly what that person is thinking. so to say that the internet isn't real life, to me, can't be true.

I wake up and think of how much I hurt this person that I love so much. I wake up and think of how much happiness we had. I wake up and think about how much happiness I still want to have. But you see that is the key problem is "I". Now I don't mean to be selfish about this relationship and I have explained that to Lisa many times over, but it is hard not to say "I" when it involves only two people. I'm sorry if I seem selfish.

Over the break I tried many times just to have what I thought was best. I would find out that I wasn't best at all. I tried to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button three times and only just saw it when I got to Florida. The last time Lisa and I spoke was the second time I tried to see it. Now that I think about it the first and second time I tried to see it was with Lisa. Sorry if that was off topic but it was really annoying not to see that movie so many times.

She said that she need a true break. Time to just get everything straight. I'm holding on when I don't know if I should be. I've always been one to hold on though. Lisa knows that. One of those things that you learn about someone only through being around them a lot. Lisa and I always did things together. We were always the couple that made decisions about what we were going to do long term together.

So what now do you ask? I don't know. I really don't. We went through so much shit, that I guess I caused. Wow, that sucks to say.

For the next few days I'm here in Florida. I'm here to just relax and not think about anything. Even though I think about everything all the time.